5 Steps to bringing up grievances without burning down the bridges.
Check out the video that prompted this post: Dr. Julie Gottman. How to Complain without Hurting Your Partner. The Gottman Institute (@Youtube.com).
In relationships, it is inevitable that we are rubbed the wrong way by our partners. Whether it’s navigating difficult life circumstances, household management, or missed expectations, we all accumulate grievances with our partners. Maintaining healthy communication in relationships is crucial, and learning how to share our grievances is key to not having them pile up and cause further troubles down the road.
No one wants to complain about their partner or be complained at. Therefore, it's important that we find ways to bring up our concerns in a way that avoids damaging the bond and trust, and keeps the door open for continued connection.
The Gottman Institute uses a “soft-start up” to effectively bring up grievances without burning down bridges.
5 Steps for a Soft Start-up to Bring up your grievances:
Ask Permission to Bring Up Your Grievance: Before jumping straight into a potentially sensitive topic, consider asking permission from your partner. By doing so, you set the stage for open and receptive communication. Phrases like "Hey, can I bring up something?" or "Is there a good time in the next couple of days when I could discuss something?" demonstrate respect for your partner's boundaries.
Start with "I" + Feeling: Start by expressing your grievance by using "I" statements coupled with a feelings word (For examples check out a Feelings Wheel ). This approach encourages constructive dialogue and prevents the conversation from turning into an accusatory exchange. Rather than saying, "I feel like you never think about me," which inserts accusation, try saying, "I feel forgotten when you always come home late without texting me a heads up." We feel feelings, not beliefs. “You never think of me” is not an emotion, it's a belief.
Focus on the Situation, Not their Character: When addressing the issue at hand, it's crucial to focus on the specific situation rather than making generalizations about your partner's character. For instance, instead of saying, "I'm mad because you're so unreliable," reframe things as "I'm upset that the garbage isn't put out on time." This distinction prevents your partner from feeling attacked and allows the conversation to stay focused on finding a solution.
State Your Needs and Ask for What You Want: Clearly expressing your needs and desires is essential for effective communication. Find clarity about exactly what you need from your partner. State your desires and be specific about what you expect from your partner. For example, say, "I need you to take out the garbage regularly" or "I need reassurance from you that everything is going to be okay." Additionally, don't hesitate to ask for small adjustments, such as requesting a text if your partner is running late. This proactive approach fosters understanding and promotes a healthy resolution.
Express Appreciation for Your Partner: Ending the conversation on a positive note is crucial. Take a moment to express appreciation and commitment to your partner. No one enjoys being in the middle of conversations but they lead to clarity in the relationship, promoting the bonds last. This gesture reinforces the attachment between you and creates a supportive environment for future conversations.
Conclusion: Addressing grievances in a relationship can be challenging, but by using these steps as a guide, you can approach the conversation with care and understanding. Remember, effective communication is the key to resolving conflicts and strengthening the connection with your partner. By utilizing these techniques, you can bring up your grievances without burning down the bridge, fostering a healthier and happier relationship.
