“Are you still watching?” - The why and how and staying in touch with your partner’s world.
Many of us have thrown on a show that has gotten us hooked and before we know it, hours have gone by and we’re still watching the show that first captured our attention. After a few episodes a little question pops up, “Are you still watching?”
Our partner relationships often start similar to our relationship with a brand new show; with Excitement, commitment, and readjustment of our schedules.
After a couple of “seasons” of life, we experience busyness, career changes, health challenges, children, spiritual crises, financial hardships, directional clashes, and we slowly lose a working memory of the details of our partner's life. We once “needed” to know where they were, what they were up to, and how they were doing, in every moment of every day, now we’re content to let things be as they are; after all, “if it's not broken don’t fix it”. Or, maybe the cost of repair seems too high, so best to work around it… for now.
After letting the relationship run on auto-pilot the question “Are you still watching?” arises in the hearts of our partner.
When we let our relationships run on auto-pilot and our knowledge and understanding of our partner’s inner psychological world atrophies.
The Gottman Institute conceptualizes this as Love maps. We update the “love map” (our understanding of their inner psychological world) through open-ended questions.
You and your partner can update each other’s love maps by doing the following with the questions below:
Pick a question from the list (or develop your own open-ended question)
Share the question with your partner, followed by what you think the answer is.
Then, take the time to listen to what their answer is.
Switch roles. Have your partner pick a question, have them give what they think the answer is, and then have them listen to what your answer is.
The answers may surprise you.
Questions (Download the “card decks” App created by the Gottman Institute for even more questions):
What does your partner currently do for fun?
Who does your partner find most interesting at present?
What is your partner’s current largest worry?
Who is a real person your partner currently finds inspiring?
Who is your partner’s two closest friends?
What is your partner’s current biggest stressor?
What family member is most on your partner’s mind?
What quality is your partner most hoping to develop in themselves?
What height would your partner be in their perfect world?
What sport, field, or activity would your partner want to be the world’s greatest at?
Knowing details (pertinent or superfluous) about your partner and being able to articulate it demonstrates thoughtfulness, and attentiveness, helping your partner to feel seeing and known; and a seen partner can breathe life into the relationship.
What do these questions accomplish? They update our understanding and snapshot of our partner’s life.
